5 years ago I was a healthy, very happily married woman with a very successful, enjoyable Corporate marketing career. I loved my job, adored by husband and had a pretty fantastic life by all accounts; great friends, fun social life and wonderful holidays. And then…….I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 46 years of age. We are sitting there in the consultant’s waiting room, Mark and I receiving the news that we dreaded and I’m thinking “Ok, this is OK, it’s just cancer. We can do this!” My tumour size and type meant that I had to have a mastectomy and a reducing on the healthy book! Therein followed the job of telling everyone I have the ‘Big C’ and breaking that news to those dearest to me was probably one of the hardest things. Surgery, recovery and chemotherapy followed for the next 12 months; as you would expect all pretty horrific but just saw it as something that had got to be done. April 14th I was sat in the garden, a beautiful sunny Sunday morning sat on the patio with Hubbie and a morning cuppa, when I noticed Mark kept messing with his mouth. Turned out my hair was starting to come out and was blowing into his mouth. So decision was quickly made and the hair clippers came out and the hair came off! Some would say brave, but I saw it as taking control, getting a little ownership over this disease and what was happening to me. I actually embraced being bald and found it quite empowering and liberating.
I got through Cancer with positivity, humour and resilience, some said courage. I let myself laugh, cry, battle on and focus on the job in hand but never felt sorry for myself, never worried about it spreading or getting worse. Never saw it as a big deal to be fair. But as I started to finish treatment and started to come out of treatment and move into the next phase, Mark started to get really anxious about my Cancer coming back. 2017-2018 were dark years we saw Mark get worse and worse, anxiety turned to depression, depression became untenable and he turned to alcohol for the answers. Life was pretty crappy for us both during this period. He was in such a dark, dark place and I just didn’t understand at the time or know how to help him. And selfishly I was feeling a bit swindled out of the post Cancer years which I’d hoped would be lighter. At times I felt really broken myself, worse than when I had cancer and I felt that I should be having fun and enjoying life, well we both should have been. So I watched the love of my life destroy himself and ultimately die from the effects of alcoholism. He was only 53 years old, he had so much more to do, to give, to be. We had so much more we wanted to do; I lost my next 20-30 years on May 30th 2019.
6 months of trying to battle my way through grief, the pain of loss, sadness, confusion and despair. It was tough, at times I would appear to be coping and then wallop a big smack in the face of grief. To add to the pain I was then made redundant from my job, a job I had loved and had kept me going through cancer, chemo and grief. So, what now? I could have chosen then to give up, to take a big drink of self pity and ask the Universe “Why me?”, but you know what “Why not me? Why someone else?”. So I chose not to feel sorry for myself, I chose to channel my feelings, instead of living a life of fear, hurt and regret I chose to channel all these emotions into something meaningful and purpose driven…..Just be more. And now, once again this ‘dis-ease’ has returned, I am now post two surgeries to remove all the cancer cells from the mastectomy side and waiting for my next phase – the dreaded oncology appointment. I’ve been through chemotherapy once, in some ways it m makes it better that I know what’s coming but in other ways it’s more difficult knowing exactly how it all works. I am once again, dusting off my big girl pants and chosing to face this once again with joy, love and calm. As I continue my own journey I am now also all about helping other women to step out of the darkness of breast cancer, away from the absorbing cancer as though it is something you ‘are’ rather than have – for a period of time. I help them to move through this new world with love and joy. Women like you perhaps who feel defined by breast cancer and probably want to talk about something else, just for a moment. Who may be fearful of treatment and how their lives will change. I challenge you to step out of your darkness and get in touch to see how we can work together to find your own light and greatness. It’s there. I promise you. If you are here then you are looking for it.

Latest news

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, at mei dolore tritani repudiandae. In his nemore temporibus consequuntur, vim ad prima vivendum consetetur.
%d bloggers like this: